I was just looking at Mike Shinoda's (LinkinPark/Fort Minor) playlist on itunes. this was what he wrote after he explained why he chose a particular song on his playlist..
"...I think that's what one of my favourite things about music is: those times when hearing a song reminds you of a time in your past, when it connects you directly with the memory every time you hear it...".
I feel exactly the same way. One song that really sticks out for me (and also the most embarrassing) is Hilary Duff's "Beat of My Heart". That was the last song playing while the plane was leaving Vietnam in 2006. That year and that trip was one of the most difficult times of my life so far. Just that one trip to Vietnam opened up a lot of...I dont know...just so much was surfacing at once, questions that I had never thought of before constantly ran over and over in my head, causing pain and confusion. My relatives were asking me questions like "Do you miss your real dad?" "do you even know what he looks like?" "I remember your dad, He was such a handsome man, also a nice man, a lot nicer than the man your mum is with now" and from then on, I thought more and more about my biological father and how my life would have been like if he stuck around and my mother never met that lying, cheating, selfish, son of a...! who is father to my lil sister. I dont even know what he looks like, but then I dont know if I do want to see him, what would I say? What would I DO? If he ever came up to me in the streets, or came to my door, What would I do? Slam the door in his face? Hug him? throw verbal abuse at him? cry? I dont know...and I dont think I am ready to face him right now or ever.
That year was also the year my mum and step dad "split up". I had never seen my mum cry before until those dark days. It was painful for me, and I dont think I helped the situation any better. I asked my mum about my biological dad and the family I never knew, It pained her that she thought she wasnt enough for me, but she was. She is enough. She has gone through a lot for me and my brother and yes also my lil sister. She's one of the strongest people I know, she's been through a lot on her own, with no help from any man or any one for that matter. I am grateful that I have a mother who is so strong and dedicated (even if she does nag me to death everyday).
2006. A very dark, confusing and insightful year. I have never felt so much pain and cried so much in my life.... But that was then, right now I'm quite content with my life.
So when I hear Hilary Duff's "Beat of My Heart" it brings back memories of tears that I shed (embarrassingly) when I had to say goodbye to my uncle and aunts who couldnt come with me when I had to leave for my step dad's place. The smile and sigh of relief when I finally didnt have to see any of my Step dad's family EVER again. but mostly the overflowing love that my relatives expressed, caring for me when I was alone, just the value of family.
