Yet another plan



Waiting at the train station with my brother.



I'm contemplating whether I should venture into being a food stylist. It makes sense, putting my love of food and photography together. Maybe...just maybe.

How do you say your name?



Drinking Sen Cha with my sister at Azuma Patisserie



Everyone at work is trying to pronounce my name properly...I have no idea how to explain the sound that the "NH" makes...Some say its a "n~y" sound, others a "n~g" sound...I give up. I'll just stick to be known as an anatomy.

Hello World.

I'm in high spirits today. I'm finally free~


I was smiling, singing and dancing at work today and it felt wonderful. I'm back to my old self and I am so much happier. Super excited :) Hello World!

I came to the realisation this morning while driving to work that I don't need him anymore, no more wishing and hoping. I've finally moved on. Took a while (so pathetic) but I, now am free from the chains that I have created in my mind. I know that this was one of those times I had to realise for myself, because I wouldnt have believed anyone else. I just needed time.

I don't need to keep myself busy anymore to keep my mind off him. No more shopping and no more going out every spare minute I have. These next few weeks I'm going to just chill at home. Gather my thoughts and figure out my future (once again). I need to get things back into prospective. I just want to be by myself for a while-no more distractions.

Time for bed~Work tomorrow.

Will you ever be mine again...?

I still miss him.

I try not to think about him. I try to keep myself busy. Its hard. The thought of him always comes back into my mind and everytime, I hope that we will be back together again. I know that's not true. It still hurts to know. 

I don't want to be friends...

I'm doing things that I know will just make me feel stupid for even thinking for a moment that there will be any chance of anything. Anything. I just want something...

We still keep in touch. I still help him when he needs it. I go out of my way to do things for him just so I get to see him one more time, even if briefly. For those brief moments of interaction, I try to keep my cool. Trying not to look too happy or have that "I'm still in love with you and its killing me" look. I try to smile and have a conversation about things that aren't about us. There's no more us, or we, or ours...

My heart still skips a beat when I get a text from him, when I get a call, when I see him...

Last week he came over to drop off my chocolate book. From the moment he messaged me, the 20mins in between him arriving to my home and until the last hug goodbye, my heart was beating fast, from anxiousness, from nervousness, from happiness.

I hate it when he hugs me longer than a standard friend hug. It makes me think he still has feelings for me, its almost cruel. But I like it...just to have him embrace me and make me feel warm and safe like the first time.

At the moment, his relationship status on facebook still says "In a Relationship" and that makes me think there could still be something. I still fear that one day I will log into Facebook and see "Ken ...is single", My heart will drop and I don't know, its just done, its officially over. At the moment I still have a shred of hope even if it is weak...I know I'm pathetic basing this on a FB status. I'm obviously delusional...

I really don't know why I'm so attracted to him. We have nothing in common. We argue over the most ridiculous things that have nearly ended the relationship then and there numerous times. We rarely talk to each other. He doesn't seem to like me for me at all, or even notices me other than being a "friend". I really don't know, but now that he's not mine anymore its taking its toll on me. I want him back. I want him to try and cheer me up with his annoying~ness, his stupid smile and his huge ego that makes me laugh. I want him back.

I'm getting there...

I don't know if I had mentioned this before~I've officially started the new job, I'm part of the "family" now. Yays. At the moment I'm just trying to get the hang of working as a waitress...its stressful, I have no idea what I'm doing~ and since I'm such a huge cluts, sending out coffees has been, well not so smooth...gah so embarrassing. On the plus side, I haven't broken any more glasses in the last week *self hi-five* awesome. *sigh*. I'm getting there...

I feel awkward at work, I just cant interact with the others. I'm quiet and I tend to keep to myself. I don't really feel like talking neither, I just want to get through the day (preferably without breaking anything) and go home. Its lonely sometimes, but lately I'm just not in the mood to be joking around with "others". I know I'm coming across as a shy quiet Asian but I don't care. I smile when people ask me how I am, and that's all they need to know.

I'm exhausted everyday, which is good I guess. I've been eating a LOT when I get home, which is not good. I'm starving when I get home...gaining a lot of weight I'm sure. Its not like I dont have lunch at work, because I do. Its shocking. I will go back to my normal routine soon, hopefully.

Anyways, working 6 days this week because of the new roster is in effect from tomorrow, so yeah. Bummer.