Will you ever be mine again...?

I still miss him.

I try not to think about him. I try to keep myself busy. Its hard. The thought of him always comes back into my mind and everytime, I hope that we will be back together again. I know that's not true. It still hurts to know. 

I don't want to be friends...

I'm doing things that I know will just make me feel stupid for even thinking for a moment that there will be any chance of anything. Anything. I just want something...

We still keep in touch. I still help him when he needs it. I go out of my way to do things for him just so I get to see him one more time, even if briefly. For those brief moments of interaction, I try to keep my cool. Trying not to look too happy or have that "I'm still in love with you and its killing me" look. I try to smile and have a conversation about things that aren't about us. There's no more us, or we, or ours...

My heart still skips a beat when I get a text from him, when I get a call, when I see him...

Last week he came over to drop off my chocolate book. From the moment he messaged me, the 20mins in between him arriving to my home and until the last hug goodbye, my heart was beating fast, from anxiousness, from nervousness, from happiness.

I hate it when he hugs me longer than a standard friend hug. It makes me think he still has feelings for me, its almost cruel. But I like it...just to have him embrace me and make me feel warm and safe like the first time.

At the moment, his relationship status on facebook still says "In a Relationship" and that makes me think there could still be something. I still fear that one day I will log into Facebook and see "Ken ...is single", My heart will drop and I don't know, its just done, its officially over. At the moment I still have a shred of hope even if it is weak...I know I'm pathetic basing this on a FB status. I'm obviously delusional...

I really don't know why I'm so attracted to him. We have nothing in common. We argue over the most ridiculous things that have nearly ended the relationship then and there numerous times. We rarely talk to each other. He doesn't seem to like me for me at all, or even notices me other than being a "friend". I really don't know, but now that he's not mine anymore its taking its toll on me. I want him back. I want him to try and cheer me up with his annoying~ness, his stupid smile and his huge ego that makes me laugh. I want him back.